I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Randomize
