Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
