My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
