She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
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