the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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