Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Everyone says I win the strip club
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
