Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
