I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
