thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
