He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
