dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
