my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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