i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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