I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
