i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
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