Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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