just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just cut my nipple shaving
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
