You really coming over, don't trick.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
