if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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