Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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