these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
