I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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