I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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