Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
