We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
