He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
