You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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