She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
