I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
