So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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