I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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