Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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