im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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