How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
