meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
