I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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