I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
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