Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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