literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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