having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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