he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
