wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
