East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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