Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
