There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
