This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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