call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
