i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
im calling her cock vulture from now on
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
