I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us�
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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