Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
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