i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Randomize
